Co-Regulation – What is it?

“The ability to regulate emotions and behaviours, to soothe and manage stressing internal sensory input or external situations with the support and direction of a connecting individual.”  www.theottoolbox.com 

There are many definitions of Co-Regulation online so I have chosen this one as a starting point. Co-Regulation is part of normal emotional development for children and it precedes Self-Regulation, which I will return to in my next post.

Before we go deeper into the specifics of Co-Regulation and how we can support our children in this important emotional stage of development let’s think about ourselves and as how adults our mood is affected by those around us. I think it helps to then understand how that transfers to our children too.

Emotional Contagion

We can all surely remember a time when we have been with someone who, for whatever reason, is down in the dumps or moaning constantly. As supportive a friend or colleague we may be and, however genuine a reason or not they may have for feeling the way they do, if we spend a lot of time with them it may affect our mood, drag us down too. It can be hard to maintain an upbeat persona if we are greeted with constant negativity. In just the same way if we are spending time with someone who has high levels of anxiety, we may feel ourselves become increasingly anxious too. We may on occasion ourselves be feeling low and find we turn to a friend who is buoyant and chirpy to cheer us up. Does mood really rub off?  Yes, it’s actually a real thing and it’s called emotional contagion – It’s contagious. 

Understanding that then let’s go back to our children and how we can apply the principles of co-regulation to them to support them through this stage of their social and emotional development. As parents when our child becomes upset it’s instinctive for us to comfort and soothe them. We may do this by offering physical comfort by hugging them, reassuring them and making them feel safe. We may offer them something that they find comforting, as a baby/toddler this may be a blanket or soft toy. We may distract them by playing a familiar game like peek a boo or something we know will make them happy. We do this because we want to ‘stop their distress’ and to ‘make it better.’ What we don’t do is sit on the floor and cry with them and we don’t do this because we know it wouldn’t make it better for them and would likely make them more upset. For the same reason we do not raise our voice and shout, instead we talk calmly and reassuringly. Now look back at the definition we started with and we are doing just that. We are that ‘connecting individual’ and we are helping to soothe and manage our child’s emotions. 

In this particular instance I am referring to young children and parents. But this same principal of co-regulation can be applied to children or adults with learning disabilities like my son James, or those with sensory processing disorders, or anyone who struggles to manage their emotions. Where I am referring to parents, we can also translate that to caregivers.  

James

With regard to James, he is 27 years old and has a severe learning disability with a diagnosis of Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome and Autism. Emotionally he is volatile. He can appear calm one moment and often, sometimes with an obvious reason but at others without, he can become incredibly distressed at the drop of a hat. It breaks my heart to witness this and know I can’t make it instantly better for him. I would give literally anything to be able to do that. What myself and those looking after James have to do is find ways to help James manage his emotions. Here are some pointers to help calm a dysregulated person:

This may be the most important of all. Remain calm. Remember how our moods can transmit onto others. Do not raise your voice, talk quietly and slowly which in itself can be reassuring. Think about your body language, ensure it is not threatening. 

Provide physical support if this is requested (James is usually reluctant for physical contact at this time but ensure it is given if appropriate and requested)

If possible, remove obvious triggers and provide a calm safe environment. As emotions become less heightened, redirect to an activity that you know is calming to the dysregulated person. 

If their agitation/distress increases, they are not ready to move on so continue with all the above offering calm reassurance. 

Do not try and rationalize with a dysregulated person. You will need to wait and do this when they are more rational. Then you can validate the persons feelings and demonstrate acceptance of their feelings. Be non-judgemental and listen.                                                                    

Online Resourses

There’s a great deal of information online regarding Co-Regulation. Someone recently shared a video with me by Pooky Knightsmith. Pooky has a PhD in child mental health from the Institute of Psychiatry, Kings College London. She is also the former Chair of Children and Young Peoples Mental health coalition and Author of several books. She personally has experience of Autism, PTSD, anorexia, self-harm and depression. 

You can find Pookys video on Co-Regulation on YouTube.