The end of this month marks three years since James moved from our family home into supported accommodation. A lot of change has taken place in that time.
Looking back on what I wrote here on the first and second anniversary of James’ move into supported accommodation, It would be easy to repeat myself: how quickly the time has gone, how I still feel the emotion I felt leaving him on that first day, how tough it’s been to make the adjustment. I absolutely still feel all those things. It still brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat if I think about that whole period from first looking at James’ flat up until moving in day……and beyond.
James moving into his own home was life changing, not only for him but those of us he left behind. To a lesser degree it also affected my parents and my sister, Joan. James’ grandparents have always been very invested in his life, living close by they have always seen James regularly and been involved in his care and interested in his day-to-day life, health and welfare. Whilst regular weekly visitors they’d also sometimes pop by on a weekend and knew, of course, if they did that James would be here. The same goes for Joan who lives even closer to me and could come round if needed in an emergency as well as regularly having James to her house for tea visits or days out. She also moved into my house on a few occasions to look after James if we went away with our other son. All that changed with James moving out. No longer do we need someone to sit with him or to look after him if we go away.
James not living here changed that all of that for everyone. It’s not that they don’t see him, because of course they do, but its always on a pre-arranged basis now, there’s no real spontaneity.
Patterns Have Emerged
After three years our new weekly routine has long been established. James comes for tea and sees his grandparents on a Tuesday. We see him on the weekend and he sometimes sleeps over then too, and Joan visits him every two or three weeks and takes him out and spends time with him at his flat. But in addition to that James comes to stay with us on his birthday and for a couple of days at Christmas and New Year. This coming June will also be the third time we have taken James away on holiday since he moved.
As much as routine is important to James there is a degree of flexibility within that and James seems to be able to cope with that. Recently I was unwell and really not able to see James for a week but he was able to visit and have tea with my mum and dad on the Tuesday when he would normally come here. On the Saturday Joan was able to step in and take him to her house for a few hours instead of him coming to us. I think the fact that he can cope with those changes, often at quite short notice shows that, overall, he feels quite secure.
In the three years since James has moved, he has had covid twice, a worrying time for me and I can’t pretend to find it any easier not being with him at those times than I had in the very beginning. But the proof is in the pudding as they say and he was fine. Another unfortunate turn of events since James moved is that he started to have seizures again. Yet something else for me to worry about……not being there and not being the one in control of everything is always going to be difficult for me. Again though, James has been fine and his staff team have taken good care of him. In December James started regular seizure medication and so we hope that this is under control now.
Also, James recently underwent dental surgery and that too was a worry for me. A great deal of planning with James’ staff took place beforehand to ensure this went smoothly and I’m glad to say it all went well.
Life Has Moved On In Other Ways
There have been other significant changes in our household in the last few years. Harry was in his first year of university when James moved out. He has since graduated and been off travelling for a few months before returning and he now has a full-time job in Ecology which he is enjoying – particularly having no studying to do at home. Seven years of additional study after leaving school really is a long time.
Darryl retired too so my week has changed beyond recognition to what it was previously. We had our first holiday abroad together for many years last October and have more planned this year. We’re able to go away for a couple of days without having to arrange all kinds of care for James. We’ve had several long day trips to visit a sick relative which just would have been impossible to do with James here. We were also able to go away with the rest of my family for my parents Diamond Anniversary last year which we couldn’t have done before as someone would have needed to look after James. So, life is really very different.
The Future
Hopefully the future will continue to be positive for James. There will be challenges ahead I’m sure but I’m confident we will deal with those as and when they arise as we always have done. As James approaches his 28th Birthday in six weeks’ time I am so proud of the way he has adapted to his new life of independence. Of course, he will never be completely independent, but he has learned to live a new life in which he isn’t solely reliant on us and that after all is what we want for all of our children.
