I saw Manni Coe and his brother Reuben on breakfast TV a few weeks ago. They were being interviewed about their book ‘brother. do. you. love. me.’ I didn’t see all of the interview but I heard enough that I felt compelled to buy the book and read their story.
Manni Coe was living and running his business as a walking guide in Andalusia in Spain when the covid pandemic hit. His younger brother Reuben, who has Down’s Syndrome, was living in a care home in the UK. Reuben was 38 years old at the time. At the end of November 2020 Reuben, who Manni hadn’t seen for 3 months, sent his brother a text saying, “brother. do. you. love. me.”
Their book tells the true story of how Manni, at the first opportunity when lockdown rules allowed, flew over from Spain and rescued his brother from his care home. Following a break down 4 years previously Reuben had become depressed and this was exacerbated by the loneliness and isolation he then experienced in his care home during the pandemic. He had lost weight and hadn’t spoken for a year. Upon seeing Reuben, Manni was shocked by his decline. Living together in a cottage for the next 26 weeks Manni set about ‘finding’ the brother he knew and loved and building a better, fulfilled and happy life for his future.
It was clear to see from the outset that Manni is devoted to his brother and he was utterly devastated to realise the depth of Reuben’s depression. Manni made huge personal sacrifices in the process of trying to ‘heal’ Reuben. He put his own life on hold, he’d left his partner in Spain, he left his business in the hands of a friend and he bore the financial impact too.
Support is Crucial
Whilst Manni and Reuben have two other brothers, both of whom were wholly supportive of Manni’s actions, it was apparent that he and Reuben have a special bond. They have many shared experiences and Reuben had previously lived in Spain with Manni and his partner, Jack, for seven years before returning to England. Jack and Reuben also have a close relationship and I must add that their parents were very much involved in the decision making and in support of Manni regarding Reubens care too.
With the support of his family and a few professionals, a speech therapist, Social Worker and the Day Centre, Manni slowly made progress and little by little Reuben’s speech began to return. Reuben loves to draw and he expresses himself through his colourful pictures produced with his felt tip pens. Many of these are shared with us in the book. He also loves films, musicals and dressing up, and with encouragement from Manni he enjoyed putting on his own Friday night performances for his family who were able to view through screens from their respective homes.
Those 26 weeks they spent together were not without their difficulties. Manni sometimes struggled with the enormity of the task he had given himself and with the sole responsibility he had for Reuben. At times Manni would reach out to his brothers, parents and those few supportive professionals for advice and practical help. He was the first to admit himself that he wasn’t always the best brother and he would feel guilty at times for lacking patience. I admired his honesty. He didn’t pretend to be faultless or to have all the answers. Having been in a similar situation myself I understand the physical and mental exhaustion he experienced but I never once doubted that Manni was doing his very best for Reuben and his love for him never faltered.
Shared Experiences
There were many things throughout this book that resonated with me; Reubens use of weekly charts to structure his days and Manni attending ‘best interests’ meetings to discuss exactly that, a group of people deciding what is in Reubens ‘best interests’ as he doesn’t have capacity to make those decisions himself. But it was the emotions and thought processes that Manni experienced that struck me most. He spoke of the intensity of his relationship with Reuben, whether knowing him as well as he did, being so attached actually meant this sometimes clouded his judgement and of how Reuben needed to “find his own place in the world.” Manni acknowledged that allowing Reuben to do this was reliant on Manni himself being able to trust others and also for him to be able to live without the constant worry of whether Reuben was eating properly, being stimulated enough etc. etc. Afterall, the care system had already failed Reuben and this was not the first time Manni had removed Reuben from care.
Having moved my own son into supported accommodation two years ago I completely empathise with Manni. Trusting others with your vulnerable loved one is the hardest thing of all. Living with the constant worry is exhausting. We all hope our children, or in this instance brother, can be independent but sadly for some of us the reality is that they will need a great deal more ongoing support and we will be reliant on others to provide this on a daily basis. Manni spoke of Reubens “inability to comprehend mortality” and the shock this would be for him if he were still living with his parents when one of them died. He said, “Reuben needs to be in a place of his own with an established circle of support.” He said of their parents, “he will miss mum and dad of course but the impact of their absence will be considerably less than if he were living in their world, in their care.” I cannot agree more with that sentiment. This feeling, that I share, was one of the driving forces behind us looking for supported accommodation for our son.
Planning a Future
Inevitably Manni has to address the reality of Reubens long term future. He needs a new forever home. After much soul searching and feeling that even considering moving Reuben into a new home means he is ‘abandoning’ him, he does find somewhere that seems ideal. Manni chastises himself for even contemplating leaving Reuben again but ‘abandonment’ is a very harsh word. I used it myself. I said I’d felt like I’d abandoned my son James when I walked away from his new home without him. Abandonment means to ‘leave a person or thing permanently or completely.’ That is, of course, far from what I have done and I can’t ever imagine Manni doing that either. It’s hard, it’s painful. I know this from personal experience but as guilty as we feel we must accept that we do have to build a future for our loved ones that is to some degree independent of us, and I believe we are doing them a disservice if we don’t. We will not always be there to look after them however much we want to be.
Nearing the end of the book Manni and his family go to considerable lengths to prepare Reuben’s new home for him. It reminded me very much of preparing James’ new home. The book ends with Reuben moving in and Manni spending those first days with him.
‘Brother. do. you. love. me’ left me wanting more, I wanted to know how Manni felt when he did eventually have to leave Reuben and I wanted to know how Reuben was and if he was enjoying his life and making new friends. It was honest, heart-warming and heart breaking in equal measures. At times it moved me to tears. Maybe there will be more to follow from Manni and Reuben. I do hope so.
I contacted Manni through his website and told him how much I had enjoyed his book and shared a little of my own experience. I received a lovely reply from him.
Manni and Reuben joined Clare Balding for her Ramblings Podcast in June this year and they ambled to Hive Beach on the Dorset Coast as this was in the vicinity of the cottage which Manni and Reuben had shared during Reubens recovery. You can find a link to the podcast on Manni’s Media page of his website or here at https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001md5c
Thankyou for sharing this Helen x
Thanks Kerry. X